According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
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I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
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