alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
I fill condoms, not promises.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Randomize
