I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
My vagina is officially offended.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Randomize
