The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
