I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
