What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
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