my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
