Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
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