seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
And my awkwardness continues. I felt the need to send him a text that said roar. I did it.
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize
