Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
we're so committed to being not committed
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
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