Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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