First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Randomize
