WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize