I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
Randomize
