it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
I just threw up on my dentist
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
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