you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
Randomize
