So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
