So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
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