fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
