He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
