I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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