True but thats because hes a fetus.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
