My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
