One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Randomize
