Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Randomize
