I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
