my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
