Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
Randomize
