CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
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