Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
