Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
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I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
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Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
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