She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Randomize
