My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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