Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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