I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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