she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Randomize
