Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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