Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
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These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
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the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
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