you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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