he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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