I can feel you judging me through the phone.
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
Randomize
