wanna go halves on a baby?
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
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