i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
