I wish I could punch you in the face.
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Randomize
