On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
