can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Randomize
