I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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