Someone shit on the floor
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
