so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Randomize
