it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
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