I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
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