I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
Sorry my hands just texted you
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
