when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
