woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
