If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
You are the jesus of drinking
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
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