my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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