I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Randomize
