You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
